Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

My beloved "Islander"..

2009-05-19T15:37:00.003+03:00

Hello people! Shlonkum sha5barkum?

Hahaha okay so I'm writing this post to let you all know that my very talented bestie "Islander" has moved her blog to wordpress.. Mala da3i you say? I agree.. Bs she did and we have to respect that.. *rolls eyes*

So I want you all to start following her blog (I mean it, all of you!) cuz she is one hell of a writer.. Mashalla 3alaiha.. Maybe some of you, or most 7ata, have read her previous blog "Love On The Island", and I'm positive that you fell in love with her posts and were absolutely mesmerized by her writing the same way that I was..

So cmon, check out her new blog http://3aranjoosh.com and trust me, you won't regret it.

For any of you who don't know follow a wordpress blog, simply click on add fel dashboard and place her URL..

Thank you all!! AMOOT FEEKUM!!

xxxxx

"I love you.."

2009-05-18T15:49:00.007+03:00

"Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

I heard this line while watching something on tv a couple of days ago, and it kept playing in my head throughout the whole day. You see, I'm not so big on I love yous, I hardly say it. I might say it here all the time cuz afterall, let's face it, you guys don't know me and I don't know you either, which makes it a whole lot easier to just say it, but in reality, whenever I try to say those three little words, I end up choking on them. And I don't really mean saying it to him only, but also to my friends and even my family. It's just.. hard.

But then I started thinking. What if you really never get the chance to tell the people you really feel about them? I mean we keep hearing this all the time, that we should take the time to tell the people we love how much we love them cuz tomorrow might be too late. I think it's true. No one knows what tomorrow has in store for us. Even the healthiest people could be gone in a heartbeat, simply because it was their day.

Two family members - whom I adore - passed away during the past five months. It was unbelievably hard, but what really killed me the most is that I don't think I ever really told them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Now I know that they knew that I did. They felt it. But wouldn't you want to hear it? Some people say that words don't mean that much, it's the actions that prove how the person really feels. It's true. Actions really do prove to you how the person actually feels, but that doesn't mean the words don't account for something, either. We all need to feel loved, and to hear our loved ones say it. We all need reassurance. So why not say it while we still have the chance?

*runs out of her room and looks for her mom*

I just stopped amid writing this post, went up to my mom, told her how much I love her and hugged her. She looked at me disbelievingly and said "Sh9ayer? T5ar3eeny itha tsaween chethi. Ya tabeen shay ya 9ayer shay, shisalfa?" I laughed and told her that there's nothing wrong, I mean, can't a daughter tell her own mother how much she loves her without wanting something in return? Afterall, we might all be gone tomorrow. Of course, she freaked out even more and said "Laish hal 7achi kila? Ga3da t5ar3eeny. A7ad galech iny bamoot bacher? Laish tfawleen 3alay!" I laughed some more, hugged her even tighter and prayed ina Allah e5aleeha ly. Layan, you better do the same thing to your mom today!

Fara7, Layan, Jana and Marwa, a7ibkum. 9ij 9ij I love you all and I can honestly say that I can't imagine my life without each and every one of you. You're all so special to me. It's true that half of the time you guys get on my nerves, maybe even more than half the time, but I still love you. I realised after writing the "What I've Learned" post that I didn't really say that I love you. So here you go, ya 5amma, a7ibkum.

Fara7, yal dalee3a, I can honestly say that you are more than a sister to me, I know that I hardly show it, bs you already know that I can't live without you (this is me trying to make up for the previous post btw). The reason I didn't write much about you a5er mara is that, eb 9ara7a, how can you sum up 9 years of such strong friendship in one single post? You already know how much you mean to me, oo adry iny I never say it, frankly cuz I find it gay and disgusting, bs aka I'll say it now. I love you, Tweety.

Layan, ya galby intay, fi shay buga ma sawaiteely? I've said it millions of times before, you have the purest heart out of all of us, and I'm so proud of the person you've become. Not that I wasn't proud before, but how you managed to glue yourself back together, makes me proud. I pray you find the right person who would be worth hal 6eeba kileha, lana eb 9ara7a, till now, ma cheft a7ad yestahlich. You're too good and pure, and seriously deserve all the happiness in the world. I love you my baby.

Jana, 7abeeeeeeeeeeeeeebi ili 3ndehum exams oo ma3ndehum enough time to scratch their heads. Akthar wa7da tfare'3 roo7ha for me. Do I really need to tell you how much I love you when I already do all the time since we're contenents away? I'll still say it though, I love you.

Marwa (a.k.a Cristina), did the episode have any sort of effect on you? Did it change your mind about saying it? SAY IT, DAMMIT, SAY IT!! Fine I'll calm down. Bs bagolich ina 3ala buroodich ili enarfezny, a7ibich.Wayed b3ad. El mshkila magdar ma7ibich? Y3ni I'll always be grateful for everything you've done, and you have done a lot. I can imagine us right now having a completely awkward mer-cris moment trying to decide whether we should hug or not. *throws up* I think we should skip the hug. Btw, last year hal 7aza, shkina ga3deen nsawy? *sniff*

My Frankie (a.k.a Him) this is adressed to you, brother. Ga3ed te'67ak? Tara may'6a7ek, brother. First of all, you idiot, I'm still waiting. Second of all, you ass (btw, to all my beloved readers, I'm the only person in the world who gets to call him that, after all, he's my ass. Wait, that sounded so wrong, well you know what I mean. Thank you, a7ibkum) lat9adeg 3mrik wayed. In the post that I ended with "I need you. I miss you. I love you." knt a5arbe6. Maybe I was just too sad cuz it was the day that one of the two family members I was talking about earlier had passed away, which led to me writing that meaningless post. Or maybe I did love you at that time, brother, but after my last post "Goodbye.." I stopped. So now it's more like, I used to need you, I used to miss you, I used to love you. Not anymore though. Just like John Legend sang:

Baby when I used to love you, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
I went through the fire for you, did anything you asked me to
But I'm tired of living this lie
It's getting harder to justify
Realized that I just don't love you
Not like I used to

Alright fine, I'll quit the act and stop the charade. Yes I do love you, how could I not? (again, PLZ lat9adeg 3umrik cuz this has nothing to do with how charming you are, a9lan you're not. Chub.) During the time that I've known you, we've shared so much together. And I'm not just talking about the phone calls that lasted for hours or the endless text messages or the 6al3at or the classes that we took together or even the fact that we travelled together and spent almost every minute of that trip with each other that 90% of my memories of that safra is a memory shared with you. No, I'm not just talking about that. I'm talking about things that are much deeper than all of this. I'm talking about certain moments. I'm talking about all the things that have been said between the lines. I'm talking about the small tiny details, the details the I know that now only I have noticed, but you as well. So yes, I do love you, brother.

You know what the good thing about us is? I believe that it's always been mutual between us, everything we've both ever felt, was mutual. I don't think I loved you or cared about you more than you loved me or cared about me, and vise versa. It's funny how I get so mad whenever you confidently say how you're so sure that I love you, but now that I think about it, I'm just the same. I proved that a5er mara, didn't I, brother?

Remember when you told me how you keep asking yourself whether you did the right thing, or ended up losing someone special? Well, I think it's the second one. Despite everything, putting all the feelings, the mistakes and everything aside, we were great friends who shared a very special bond. Not everyone has that, some may never experience it, but we have. You, being the idiot person that you are, took what we had for granted and threw it away. So yeah, you did lose. You did lose the person who gets you the most out of everyone you know (I told you min qa9dy eb everyone fa chub and stop trying to come up with names); the person who took care of you, who made sure you were tucked in perfectly under the covers while you were asleep and would lift ur stupid feet off the floor after falling (ma2sa rgadik btw) and tuck them again under the blanket; the person who would laugh at all your stupid jokes, whether funny or not; the person you can tell anything and everything to, and I literally mean anything, and would always be interested in hearing you out. That's one of the reasons ili I got shway mad about the "texting my friend at the restaurant" incident. Oh, btw, J added me on facebook AGAIN a couple of months ago. You know what's funny? His brother added me on facebook as well 3 weeks ago. So something that we would joke about. Now that I think about it, shakla I'll accept just to let you taste your own medicine.

Btw, last year, hal 7aza, kina tawna ga3deen getting ready to leave the hotel cuz it was our GRADUATION day! So yeah, happy one year "graduation" anniversary. It was such a good day, don't you think? Especially when our stupid friend decided to ruin my mood fel diner by saying whatever it is that he said. 9ij '3aby hal ensan. For some reason I just remembered wagfeta ili yel3ab fi sha3ra oo rafe3 reela? Fun times. Anyways, t9adeg that was the day I realised that I'm like your "sister"? Remember how you tried to make me feel better, when we left the "after-grad" and went back up to talk about things? 7ata b3dain Marwa oo "il 3a9aby" came in and asked me if I wanted to join them lana kanaw be6el3oon oo you didn't let me cuz we were still talking, and you knew I was still upset and that's why I wanted to leave with them. Anyways, while we were sitting next to each other on your bed discussing things, the way you looked at me proved to me that I'm just like your "sister". Fi amal your trying to remember? Hmm..

One more thing. When we were discussing the "nervousness" issue a5er mara and you said that you were 3adi 7azat-ha, and I told you I was 3adi too, you know why we were both so 3adi? Cuz it felt right. You knew it felt right. It was always this way between us, easy and comfortable. Instead of our hearts beating so fast, they were on a break and had decided to live the moment, and smile. I know your heart was smiling, just like mine was. 9a7? 9a7.

Thing is, now you know exactly how I feel, thanks to my stupid blog, and I probably know exactly how you feel too, I mean, we've established that, 9a7, brother? But I need more than just answers. I need to hear it. I need to know. I don't want to do the all talking, lana I believe I've said enough, that day AND fel posts. Now it's your turn. That's why I'm still waiting for that "thing" you promised. Idiot.

You, ya7mar, have changed my life. I'll say it now cuz I don't think I can ever say it again. I love you, "brother".

Layan and Marwa, today is the day you place your tissue boxes infront of you, look at the pictures and cry. Today, last year, was one of the best days ever. Remember how we were arguing about who would use the shower first? And of course, thanks to my deep slumber (Not) I ended up using the shower before you two. 7adi 3ajeeba. Our graduation was fun, wasn't it? And the aftergrad! Omg! The songs they played. I'm laughing my ass of at the moment.

Okay I think I'm about to cry cuz right now I'm looking at the pictures. Hey, taboon nityama3 ilyom and reminisce about the good ol' days?

**On a completely different note**

I'm deleting my old posts. As I said before I might keep blogging and I might not, but after giving it much thought, I realized that some things are better left unsaid. Some, or maybe all the things I've written were completely private, that not even my closest friends knew about. I'd rather keep everything else to myself, cuz frankly, there are things that should stay between you and the other person involved. I've never been one to share, especially not about her private life, so I decided to keep everything else to myself. Afterall, he's as much a part of this as I am, so me posting about us is not really fair to him.

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Bloggers, A7IBKUM!!

Goodbye..

2009-04-29T22:26:00.012+03:00

I'm sorry everyone, but I'm done with this..

I'm done blogging.

I'm done trying to find a way to let out my bottled up feelings.

I'm done FEELING, period.

I'm done caring about people.

I'm done doing things just for the sake of everyone around me.

I'm done waiting.

I'm done hoping.

I'm done dreaming.

I'm done pretending.

I'm done.

Completely done.

I'm sorry. So very sorry. I love you all, but this time I'm not doing this to get more comments and what not, I'm doing this cuz I'm tired. My heart's been stabbed a million times, but miraculously, it still fought, every single time, no matter how deep the knife has wounded it, it still managed keep beating. However, with every stab, my heart kept losing so much blood, and alongside all the blood that's been shed, a little bit of the warmth was drained out of it, every single time.

My heart- just like any living organism- can only take so much. When it was stabbed for the millionth time, it decided that it was time to give out, to cave in and surrender to the ultimatum; death. It bled itself dry, till it turned to stone.

What was the cause of this?

Iny te3abt mn kilshay, o te3abt mn kilmn. Te3abt a7awel afham il nas oo ma7ad e7awel yefhamny. Te3abt a7awel a7il mishakil il awadem oo ma7ad e7awel e7il misakly. I'm sick of listening to people complain about every damn thing in their life, but whenever I try to complain, they end up changing the subject. Te3abt. Walla il 3a'6eem te3abt.

This time though, I'm not taking a break. This time, I'm through with everything. I can't write anything else. I can't think. I can't do shit. I'm filled with rage; the rage that my heart intoxicated my body and soul with while taking its last few breaths.

There's a huge possibility that I close my blog. I might leave it bs chethi, or I might close it. I'm still weighing both options. If I do, I might comment as anonymous from time to time, but then again, I might not. I'm still not sure what I should do. I'm not sure about anything. I'm not even sure if I should do this a9lan, bs like I said, right now I can't think properly, so let's just hope that I don't end up doing something I might regret later on.

Bs for now, I have nothing more to write about. Khala9, I've decided that the "me" & "him" story.. is over. So very over. He's history to me now. Mithel ma uhwa ga6 kilshay ba7ar, ana b3ad agu6 kilshay fel OCEAN mo bs fel ba7ar. I cared about him more than I could put into words, and I would've done anything for him. Anything to see him happy; anything to prove to him that I'll always be there for him, that I'll never leave and that I'll never take him for granted, but one thing that I would never give up for anyone, is my pride and dignity. I still stand by everything I mentioned in my previous posts though. I still think that the memories we shared were beyond wonderful, but at the end of the day, they're just memories. He chose to back off, he chose to put everything behind him, just like a coward, and leave me hanging. And I did hold on, I did hang on to every word, to every gesture; I did hang on to him. He on the other hand, didn't.

I called him up recently cuz he was going through some stuff and tried to be there for him in his time of need, and what do I get in return? Him rubbing his relationship with his gf in my face. I mean seriously, what kind of a person DOES THAT? I went out with my friends last night for dinner, and a while later he enters the restaurant with his friend. They're seated at their table, and then he starts texting my friend. Since WHEN does he text my friend when we're at the same place?! It's our thing.. y3ni whenever we used to run into each other, coincidence or not, it's ME that he would text and say all those silly things that would make me laugh. 7ata when he started texting, my friend looked at me and said "Tara he's texting me, oo a7is those texts are meant to be for you 7ada, y3ni mn mita uhwa e6arish li msgat bs chethi? Oo lama echoofny b3ad? Mb intay ili dayman kan esaweelha chethi?" Even she was surprised! It's not something that he would do y3ni, they're not that close. He wouldn't just randomly send her a message 7ag esolif, well at least never used to. Since when does he care about her opinion in anything? She's not even interested in what he has to say! And HE knows this! It's not that they're not friends aw shay, cuz they are, bs kiliiish mb close y3ni. What's he trying to do? Replace me? Seriously? I don't get it, I really don't get it. How would he feel if all of a sudden I decided that I want to start talking to a friend of his (a friend who wanted to get to know me a while back but I said NO for him cuz I knew that he wouldn't like it) and do the things that him and I used to do with each other? I know it would hurt him, so why is he trying to hurt me?

*stab*

You know what though? Screw it.

From this day forth, I'm packing up my feelings, storing them in bags and boxes and throwing them fel deep end of the ocean. Galby 3awarny kfaya, bs 5ala9, now I'm indifferent. I'm turning into the same person that he's turned into, one with a heart made out of stone. One thing that I've come to realise, ina itha il wa7ed yabee a7ad fi 7ayata, mafi shay fel dinya bewagfa, so what does that tell you?

I might've misinterpreted everything he said and everything he did.

Or have I?

All I know, is that he, my so called best friend, needs a reality check. Why? Well I think that he should figure that one out all on his own.

You know what's funny? Everyone seems to think that I'm in denial. That I have feelings for the guy, that I'm probably in love with him. I'm not, but even if I were in denial, then I sure as hell am not the only one. He's more of a denial freak than I am.

Coward.

Anyways, I'll conclude my last post the same way I did with my first one. I'll wish him all the love, joy and happiness in the world. Allah ewafga inshalla.

As for me, I'm through with this.

I'm through with him.

Cuz after all, I'm not the one who lost, he did.

He lost me.

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I'll miss you all, I will. This has been an interesting experience to me. I never thought that I could write il 9ara7a, and I still think that I can't, bs your love and support helped me so much.

I might change my mind and stay, I might go private, and I might not.

Bs for now, all I coud say is goodbye. You're all such amazing, wonderful and talented writers, so keep on doing what you do best. WRITE!

;**

What I've learned..

2009-04-22T02:17:00.002+03:00

In the past couple of years, I've learned a lot of things.

I've learned that nothing and no one will ever get you through the hardships in your life, but God. I've always been the kind of person who can't really let go and move on so easily, but rather hold on to things. Strangely enough though, when I went through the worst period of my life a few years back, I managed to get through it in a very insignificant amount of time. How, you ask me? Cuz when I decided that I wanted to get out of it once and for all, I got down on my knees and prayed to God for help. I wanted to get over it with all my heart. And one day, my prayers were answered. One day, I stopped crying. One day, I woke up with a reason to live. One day, I woke up to find him in my life. And it was God, who answered my prayers.. and got me through it.

I've learned that no matter how hard you try to analyze things, coming up with numerous explanations, whether logical or not, the one explanation that hadn't crossed your mind, is the one explanation that's most likely to be true.

I've learned that to be able to get through life, you should treat people the same way they treat you. If they're good to you and treat you right, be good to them and treat them right. While on the contrary, if they make you feel bad about yourself, the sooner you cut them out of your life, the better. Saves you the heartache they'd eventually cause.

I've learned that instead of dwelling over the past and regretting the mistakes you've made, you should learn from them. Redeem yourself, for mistakes are the tools that shape us and turn us into the people we are today.

I've learned that some things are not always what they seem. I've also learned that some things, are exactly.. what they seem.

I've learned what it's like to be surrounded with true friends.

Some that I've known my whole life and have only gotten close to in the past couple of years:

Layan, with her beautiful soul, her pure white heart and her unique kindness. She's the kind of person you can always, and I mean ALWAYS count on. The kind of person who would always be there for you, the kind of person who trusts and believes everyone, not cuz she’s stupid, or cuz she's naive, but because she chooses to see the good side in everyone around her. Because she chooses to give people the benefit of the doubt. She’s the kind of person that loves and gives unconditionally, without expecting anything in return; the kind of person who would do anything in her power to make the people around her happy, cuz that’s all that matters to her. That's all that makes her happy.

Jana (a.k.a. Islander), whom I've become close to mostly in the past 4 or 5 months. We've been friends for a very long time and have always been part of the same group, but never really gotten as close as we have in the past few months. Her ability to constantly nag never fails to amaze me, how one person could 7in this much, I'll never understand. And unfortunately I picked it up as soon as she left to continue her studies abroad, but that's not all she's about. I've discovered that beneath the surface, lies a person who's been hurting silently cuz of something that happened to her not so long ago, something that broke her, but she still managed to rise up and glue the pieces back together, though I know that she'll never be the person she was before it happened. I've discovered someone so forgiving, that I can honestly say she's one of the few people I've ever known who manages to forgive and actually forget. Someone who's strong enough to withstand whatever life throws at her, and smile.

Marwa, who's famous for her ditching, but still, a person who would leave everything and be there with you in the blink of an eye in your time of need. I'm grateful for everything she's ever done for me, for being there for me and for sticking by my side when I needed her the most. For trying to understand me, even though no one really does. For staying up all night trying to cheer me up and make me laugh by making fun of Layan (sorry Layan bs you already know this y3ni) or by planning things and creating different scenarios and visualizing what could possibly happen in each one of them. I'm grateful for the fact the she trusted me with her deepest, darkest secrets. I'm grateful for her support, for pulling me out of the dark cage I tend to lock myself in whenever I break down, and for helping me get back up on my feet again.

Fara7, the logical one. The closest person to actually figuring me out. I've been friends with her for over 9 years now and we've been through so many ups and downs together. Our friendship has been tested more than once, but it still managed to survive it all. She's my stable ground, the one person who can pull me back to reality and manage to keep me sane; the one person who never runs out of advices to give, or words to say. She's a realist, and I love her for that.

Some that I've only gotten to know better recently:

Dalal (a.k.a Change), my dark and gloomy friend, who listens to all my random te7el6em about everything, who was there for me in some of my worst times, who never judged the damaged person that I am and tolerated me at times when I couldn't tolerate myself.

And some that I've gotten to know throughout my college years:

Him, with his charming personality. He "quoting Islander" managed to pull me out of the gutter with his warm smile and back into the human world. He gave me back some of the hope that I'd lost, proving to me that there are still some decent guys left out there. He cared about me endlessly, and so did I. He respected me, trusted me and most of all; he made me feel good about myself by seeing the best in me. And although today, we each go our separate paths, I'll always cherish every moment that I spent with him, every memory we shared, all the laughs and all the smiles that will forever be imprinted in my heart.

Throughout my life, I've encountered different types of people, the good and the bad, but in the past couple of years, most of the ones that I've gotten to know are the ones who have had the biggest impact on my life. They're the ones I pray to God that I'll be surrounded with in the future. In my best days and in my worst days. The ones that are truly worth holding on to.

In the past couple of years, I've learned a lot of things.

In the future, I hope that I’ll learn even more.

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This post is dedicated to my friends. I'm not sure if they'll ever read it, but I woke up today feeling a tremendous amount of love towards everyone around me, which lately, has been very rare to me. So I decided to share the love while it lasts, knowing that tomorrow it's all gonna pass and I'll be back to normal. (I joke!)

Haha, my fellow bloggers, amooot 3alaikum ;**

Guess who's back?

2009-04-12T12:28:00.009+03:00

Haha YES PEOPLE! THE STRIKE IS OVER! and trust me, I couldn't have asked for better readers. Walla walla your support means the world to me, every single comment that I read(well maybe except for one) managed to make my day and draw a smile on my face, if not crack me up with laughter. Tfihmoon shgad a7ibkum? La ma'6in tfihmoon, bs ana ABEEEKUM tfihmoon iny amoot 3alaikum!

Islander: Inty 5al ayeech il mokan ili inty fi.. Oo trust me hnak ba3aber lech shgad a7ibich! *wink wink* 5eftay? Ee? Well get over it.. HAHA mo a7san mn Layan tyee tsaweelich chethi? 9adgeeny ana barnamaj akthar.. HAHAHAHA.. Your best friend is alive, don't worry, and she loves you more than you can imagine ;*

Lilo: I LOVE YOU! You're the cutest thing ever! Ili I want to put you in one of those music boxes and whenever I'd open it you'd be there singing, talking and saying "babchi" (hahahahaha it cracks me up 7ada cute walla) and perhaps giving me a sneak peek of what's gonna happen next in your beautiful story http://differentleagues.blogspot.com (7ada weird my imagination you say? I know, sorry! ;$) LOL 7adich you crack me up lana! Thank you SO MUCH for your support ;****

M: Getlech ba3aber lech 3an 7uby fi post! Aka, see! I kept my promise! Bs inty you already know shgad a7ibich, lanich 7uby il awal wel a5eer ya a7la M fel dnya! A'6in you're like my soulmate aw shay mn il ashya ili we have in commen.. Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Hahahahahaha.. I'm still waiting for you to come to Bahrain so we can start our search btw, so yalla! Get your ass over here ASAP! We need to discuss 5ayalatna il wild shway b3ad ;$.. Thank you for everything my love ;*

Change: Zaga! Bs b3ad a7ibich! LAISH YOU ENDED THE STORY LAAISH? Ok ok sorry I'll calm down. Thank you thank you thank you for everything, for mentioning me in your blog, for ziffing me, for being nice after ziffing me, basically for everything. Galby intay, my dark and gloomy friend ;*

Dandoon: Tara I'm still not over the hair pulling! Lai7een rasy e3awerny! And no apologies won't do kz it too laaaaaaate to apologizze, it's tooo laaaaaaaaaaate.. LOL! You're gonna have to make it up to me tara! *A light bulb shines on top of her head* I KNOW I KNOW! GIVE ME 7AMOOD AND WE'LL CALL IT EVEN! Wala shrayech? La? Mo kaifich.. 5al9ay exams oo bnitfaham 3adel b3dain.. Good luck my darling ;* I LOVE YOU!

Lost b2amreeka: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA e9eer agolich shgad ur comments ETHIB7OON MN IL '6E7EK? Whenever I read one of your comments a7is roo7y eb ramadan and I'm watching a kuwaiti mosalsal "HAW :o" HAHAHAHAHA barnamaj! and you can spam my blog all you want sweetie 7alalech walla.. Yetsharaf blogy a9lan ;*

The Great Tigerlilly: 7abeeebi! Thank you walla! Walla you don't understand how flattered I am that you love my writing *blush* 9ij your comment 5alany asti7y! I'm speechless! ;*

Cupid: I turned off the word verification for you! Hahahaha 7ayaaatiii! I love you more! Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaankkk youuu wallaaaa! Tyanineeen! ;*

Starlight<3: NO! DON'T KILL YOURSELF! PLZ?! You die I die! Wala ehimich I'm back oo I'll post and everything! And I knooooooooooooow! You always give feedback ever since you discovered my blog! 3ajeeeebaaaa walla! A7ibiiich!

Fiona Person, Faten, Haya and nora (HAHA you guys didn't curse me don't worry! 7adkum cute!), The Extravagate, A*MODE, *Bella, Jam3iiya(L), heba, G L A S S H E A R T and all the anonymous readers: THANK YOU! THANK YOU ALLLLLLLL WALLA! Each and every comment was and is highly appreciated walla.. a7ibkum KILEKUM ;*

To mean Anonymous: I had a reply prepared for you, but then Change and Islander came along and they both saved me all the trouble. I think they explained everything that I would've said and exactly how I feel. Bs I'll say this again, I did NOT force you or anyone to comment, it's not like I have a gun pointed at your head or something. So please, if you have something mean to say, keep it to yourself. Thank you very much.

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I'll be posting soon inshalla, I'm not gonna make any promises, but hopefully within the next week or so.. Inshalla! ;*

Hmmmm..

2009-04-01T23:55:00.003+03:00

So here's the deal.. I've been doing some thinking and since I haven't been in the best mood lately, I decided to follow Lilo's steps (I heart you wayed btw) and not post until I get more feedback 3ala my writing.. Uhwa Lilo didn't exactly stop posting, bs she was contimplating it.. As for me, 5ala9.. no more posts! Well not until you shower me with all your lovely comments and feedback.. Mostly cuz they make my smile, but also cuz I honestly think that my writing is too boring oo a9lan ma3arf aktib.. So, care to prove me wrong?

Anyone?

Hello?

Yes?

No?

Maybe?

Pweez?

*Gives you the "Puss in boots" heartbreaking look*

Did it work? Huh? Did it? Did it did it did it?

Either ways.. A7ibkum =( 7ata lo mat7iboony..

P.S: I just decided to stop commenting b3ad lana someone "e7m e7m- wa7da a7ibha wayed" thinks that my comments are too long oo wayed a3aber 3an shu3oory and I should stop. So 5ala9. No more comments! Bs tara hay mo ma3nata ina ma gerait your posts aw ma 3jebony, bel3ax, bs it just means that I'll disappear completely! Goodbye 7abaybi! =(

Cuz everything's easier when you're beside me, come back and find me, cuz I feel alone..

2009-03-29T23:35:00.000+03:00

It's times like these when I miss you the most. When I'm so close to breaking down, when my chest is about to explode from all the mountains of grief it's carrying around, when I need to talk, but can't seem to find anyone to talk to, when I want to stop pretending to be strong and careless- cuz the truth is, I'm not. I'm as vulnerable and weak as any helpless prey, with pain and sorrow as my predators. It's times like these when I miss your soothing voice, your guiding words and your loving whispers, the most. No one gets me the way you do- not even my closest friends. I know they try to, but they can't. I love them and I'm sure they love me too, but I also know that they don't know how to deal with me. They see me as complex, dark and damaged. And maybe they're right, maybe it's true, but you embraced me and let me into your heart just the way I am. I can't talk about this with them. Not that they wouldn't want to listen- don't get me wrong, I know that they're always here for me no matter what and will always be there for me no matter what, but I also know that it hurts them to see me this way, I know that they feel utterly helpless. You see, it's exactly at times like these that I miss you the most, cuz after "luring" me into talking, I know that you would want to hear me out no matter how big or small my problem is, if there was one in the first place. You would listen to my stupid rant all day long if you had to, all day long cuz all that matters to you is the end result- me feeling better. It's times like these that I miss you the most, cuz not only can I not talk about this with them, but the truth is, 99% of the time, I can't talk, period. And they need me to spill so they could figure me out just a little at least, whereas you understood me just by gazing into my eyes. It's times like these that I miss you the most, cuz I'm losing my balance, staggering throughout my walk, falling every now and then, and I need you there to help me back up. I need my solid rock, the one I could always lean on. I need you. I miss you. I love you.

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Sorry everyone, but today wasn't really one of my best days. Actually, it was anything but one of my best days. So if you find this post to be too sad or depressing, I'm sorry but it's exactly how I feel at the moment. I love you all. Thank you for tolerating xx

Even if it hurts, I'll hold my head up and smile..

2009-01-31T04:56:00.005+03:00

I can't take this madness anymore. My eyelids are heavy and I can hardly keep them open, but on the other hand, all my other senses are on alert, waiting for something to happen, waiting for anything to happen. Waiting for a sign.

Waiting.For.Him.

My stupid mind won't stop functioning, recalling all the sweet memories. It won't stop, it won't rest and it won't let me sleep! Just like a computer, only difference is that computers at least have a shut-down button. My mind won't switch off no matter what I do.

I'm starting to lose it.

I'm considering banging my head against the wall. Maybe then I'd faint and end up sleeping for a while.

Yes, definitely losing it.

I'm not really waiting for something to happen, I'm not expecting a call from him, nor a text. I know he can't contact me. He stopped talking to me for reasons that were beyond his will. Thing is, I miss him. I miss talking to him till the early hours of the morning, him falling asleep on the phone and me screaming trying to wake him up so that he'd get up and pray il fayer. I miss us reminiscing about NY and our graduation. I miss him telling me about his childhood and all the crazy stories and the pranks he used to play on each member of his family, he was such an evil kid! "Mujrem" is what I used to call him.

I miss the way his face would light up whenever I'd walk into a place he was in, the twinkle in his eyes, the smile that would stretch on his face, how he'd glance at me every now and then, and how he'd text me telling me how beautiful i looked as soon as one of us left the place.

I miss him knowing whenever I'd be feeling down, even if I was sitting with my friends laughing and acting perfectly normal, he'd ask me what was wrong and it would shock me cuz I'd be sure that I'd been able to pull off the happy charade since none of my closest friends detected it, or from a simple "Alo", and wouldn't hang up before making me feel better, little did he know that the instant I'd heard his voice I'd forgotten the reason I was upset in the first place.

I miss our hangouts with the rest of the group and our "inside jokes" that obviously no one would get except for us and we'd laugh our asses off while everyone would be looking at us as if we were two patients who'd just escaped from the mental institution.

I miss him being all mad and protective of me whenever I'd hang out with one of my guy friends or meet someone new or anything of that sort, but trying to justify himself by saying that if it was his sister, he would've done the same. He would obviously be jealous. Didn't he know that no one could ever manage to take his place?

I miss how easy it was to talk to him and tell him everything and anything that was on my mind because he was genuinely interested in what I had to say, even though I'm not the kind of person who talks about her feelings whatsoever, but with him, I felt like I couldn't stop talking. I miss how easy it was for HIM to talk to me, and tell me whatever was on HIS mind. While everyone else saw the crazy/fun side of him, I saw the serious/sweet/loving and caring one.

I miss NY. I miss how we used to walk around in that city hand in hand, not caring about what the others from the group graduating with us thought. "Kaify, you're my closest friend, and it's my business if I choose to hold your hand infront of the whole world. You mean more to me than all the 70+ with us in this trip put together," is what he used to say. I miss our long walks at night circling the hotel. I miss us hanging out in his room with two of our other friends, either watching movies or just talking. I miss shopping with him, each of us trying on different things and modeling them for each other, him getting everything I chose for him, while commenting on most of the things I wanted by saying "It's very nice, but it's too short, mafi amal a5aleech t6il3een chethi. Btlbseen shay ta7ta? Leggings or whatever you girls wear?" and I would just laugh. I miss him sleeping with his head on my shoulder on the plane, or me sleeping with mine on his chest.

I miss him being all nervous and not being able to look at me for more than a few seconds in the eye. "Your eyes are mesmerizing, when I first saw you the first thing that crossed my mind was 'WOW this girl has the most stunning eyes I've ever seen' 7ata if you notice I can't look at you for more than a few seconds cuz if I do, I won't stop. Your eyes capture me," is what he told me when we first started getting close. Most of all, I miss that when he DOES look at me for more than a few seconds, he stares into my eyes and reads me, reads my soul, reads me to the core.

I miss our stupid conversations. I miss our laughs. I miss our serious conversations. I miss our cries (or more like me crying and him being all concerned). I miss our mind conversations and how we were always on the same page. I miss how we clicked. I miss our obvious connection that was visible even to the blind. I miss how he cared about me endlessly.

I miss the way I used to feel with him in my life. Safe and secure, like no one and nothing could ever hurt me.

I miss him.

My friends on the other hand want me to forget about him, I know they love me and want what's best for me and I know they hate seeing me this way, but they don't get it, and I don't blame them, but I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't want to forget how he made me smile. I don't want to forget the memories that I would cherish for as long as I live. I don't want to. After all, he's not an asshole ex boyfriend who's done something to hurt me.

He's not my ex.

He's my best friend.

And although I miss him to the extent that the pain of it is actually starting to feel like a drug that's numbing every part of my body -except my heart- I'll smile, cuz I know that he's happy. She makes him happy and it's all that matters.

I truly wish him all the best inshalla.

One day b2thn Allah, I believe I'll get my happy ending too..

PS: Sorry for the extra-long post, it's definitly not what I had in mind for the first one, but I just can't sleep and a very close friend of mine told me that I should try writing, might help in getting things off of my chest. If you read this, a7ibich yal 7annana ;*