Even if it hurts, I'll hold my head up and smile..

I can't take this madness anymore. My eyelids are heavy and I can hardly keep them open, but on the other hand, all my other senses are on alert, waiting for something to happen, waiting for anything to happen. Waiting for a sign. 

Waiting.For.Him.

My stupid mind won't stop functioning, recalling all the sweet memories. It won't stop, it won't rest and it won't let me sleep! Just like a computer, only difference is that computers at least have a shut-down button. My mind won't switch off no matter what I do. 

I'm starting to lose it. 

I'm considering banging my head against the wall. Maybe then I'd faint and end up sleeping for a while. 

Yes, definitely losing it.

I'm not really waiting for something to happen, I'm not expecting a call from him, nor a text. I know he can't contact me. He stopped talking to me for reasons that were beyond his will. Thing is, I miss him. I miss talking to him till the early hours of the morning, him falling asleep on the phone and me screaming trying to wake him up so that he'd get up and pray il fayer. I miss us reminiscing about NY and our graduation. I miss him telling me about his childhood and all the crazy stories and the pranks he used to play on each member of his family, he was such an evil kid! "Mujrem" is what I used to call him.  

I miss the way his face would light up whenever I'd walk into a place he was in, the twinkle in his eyes, the smile that would stretch on his face, how he'd glance at me every now and then, and how he'd text me telling me how beautiful i looked as soon as one of us left the place. 

I miss him knowing whenever I'd be feeling down, even if I was sitting with my friends laughing and acting perfectly normal, he'd ask me what was wrong and it would shock me cuz I'd be sure that I'd been able to pull off the happy charade since none of my closest friends detected it, or from a simple "Alo", and wouldn't hang up before making me feel better, little did he know that the instant I'd heard his voice I'd forgotten the reason I was upset in the first place. 

I miss our hangouts with the rest of the group and our "inside jokes" that obviously no one would get except for us and we'd laugh our asses off while everyone would be looking at us as if we were two patients who'd just escaped from the mental institution. 

I miss him being all mad and protective of me whenever I'd hang out with one of my guy friends or meet someone new or anything of that sort, but trying to justify himself by saying that if it was his sister, he would've done the same. He would obviously be jealous. Didn't he know that no one could ever manage to take his place?

I miss how easy it was to talk to him and tell him everything and anything that was on my mind because he was genuinely interested in what I had to say, even though I'm not the kind of person who talks about her feelings whatsoever, but with him, I felt like I couldn't stop talking. I miss how easy it was for HIM to talk to me, and tell me whatever was on HIS mind. While everyone else saw the crazy/fun side of him, I saw the serious/sweet/loving and caring one. 

I miss NY. I miss how we used to walk around in that city hand in hand, not caring about what the others from the group graduating with us thought. "Kaify, you're my closest friend, and it's my business if I choose to hold your hand infront of the whole world. You mean more to me than all the 70+ with us in this trip put together," is what he used to say. I miss our long walks at night circling the hotel. I miss us hanging out in his room with two of our other friends, either watching movies or just talking. I miss shopping with him, each of us trying on different things and modeling them for each other, him getting everything I chose for him, while commenting on most of the things I wanted by saying "It's very nice, but it's too short, mafi amal a5aleech t6il3een chethi. Btlbseen shay ta7ta? Leggings or whatever you girls wear?" and I would just laugh. I miss him sleeping with his head on my shoulder on the plane, or me sleeping with mine on his chest.

I miss him being all nervous and not being able to look at me for more than a few seconds in the eye. "Your eyes are mesmerizing, when I first saw you the first thing that crossed my mind was 'WOW this girl has the most stunning eyes I've ever seen' 7ata if you notice I can't look at you for more than a few seconds cuz if I do, I won't stop. Your eyes capture me," is what he told me when we first started getting close. Most of all, I miss that when he DOES look at me for more than a few seconds, he stares into my eyes and reads me, reads my soul, reads me to the core. 

I miss our stupid conversations. I miss our laughs. I miss our serious conversations. I miss our cries (or more like me crying and him being all concerned). I miss our mind conversations and how we were always on the same page. I miss how we clicked. I miss our obvious connection that was visible even to the blind. I miss how he cared about me endlessly.

I miss the way I used to feel with him in my life. Safe and secure, like no one and nothing could ever hurt me. 

I miss him.

My friends on the other hand want me to forget about him, I know they love me and want what's best for me and I know they hate seeing me this way, but they don't get it, and I don't blame them, but I don't want to forget him. I don't want to forget the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't want to forget  how he made me smile. I don't want to forget the memories that I would cherish for as long as I live. I don't want to. After all, he's not an asshole ex boyfriend who's done something to hurt me. 

He's not my ex. 

He's my best friend. 

And although I miss him to the extent that the pain of it is actually starting to feel like a drug that's numbing every part of my body -except my heart- I'll smile, cuz I know that he's happy. She makes him happy and it's all that matters.

I truly wish him all the best inshalla.

One day b2thn Allah, I believe I'll get my happy ending too.. 

PS: Sorry for the extra-long post, it's definitly not what I had in mind for the first one, but I just can't sleep and a very close friend of mine told me that I should try writing, might help in getting things off of my chest. If you read this, a7ibich yal 7annana ;*