Goodbye..

I'm sorry everyone, but I'm done with this..

I'm done blogging.

I'm done trying to find a way to let out my bottled up feelings.

I'm done FEELING, period.

I'm done caring about people.

I'm done doing things just for the sake of everyone around me.

I'm done waiting.

I'm done hoping.

I'm done dreaming.

I'm done pretending.

I'm done. 

Completely done. 

I'm sorry. So very sorry. I love you all, but this time I'm not doing this to get more comments and what not, I'm doing this cuz I'm tired. My heart's been stabbed a million times, but miraculously, it still fought, every single time, no matter how deep the knife has wounded it, it still managed keep beating. However, with every stab, my heart kept losing so much blood, and alongside all the blood that's been shed, a little bit of the warmth was drained out of it, every single time. 

My heart- just like any living organism- can only take so much. When it was stabbed for the millionth time, it decided that it was time to give out, to cave in and surrender to the ultimatum; death. It bled itself dry, till it turned to stone. 

What was the cause of this?

Iny te3abt mn kilshay, o te3abt mn kilmn. Te3abt a7awel afham il nas oo ma7ad e7awel yefhamny. Te3abt a7awel a7il mishakil il awadem oo ma7ad e7awel e7il misakly. I'm sick of listening to people complain about every damn thing in their life, but whenever I try to complain, they end up changing the subject. Te3abt. Walla il 3a'6eem te3abt.

This time though, I'm not taking a break. This time, I'm through with everything. I can't write anything else. I can't think. I can't do shit. I'm filled with rage; the rage that my heart intoxicated my body and soul with while taking its last few breaths. 

There's a huge possibility that I close my blog. I might leave it bs chethi, or I might close it. I'm still weighing both options. If I do, I might comment as anonymous from time to time, but then again, I might not. I'm still not sure what I should do. I'm not sure about anything. I'm not even sure if I should do this a9lan, bs like I said, right now I can't think properly, so let's just hope that I don't end up doing something I might regret later on. 

Bs for now, I have nothing more to write about. Khala9, I've decided that the "me" & "him" story.. is over. So very over. He's history to me now. Mithel ma uhwa ga6 kilshay ba7ar, ana b3ad agu6 kilshay fel OCEAN mo bs fel ba7ar. I cared about him more than I could put into words, and I would've done anything for him. Anything to see him happy; anything to prove to him that I'll always be there for him, that I'll never leave and that I'll never take him for granted, but one thing that I would never give up for anyone, is my pride and dignity. I still stand by everything I mentioned in my previous posts though. I still think that the memories we shared were beyond wonderful, but at the end of the day, they're just memories. He chose to back off, he chose to put everything behind him, just like a coward, and leave me hanging. And I did hold on, I did hang on to every word, to every gesture; I did hang on to him. He on the other hand, didn't.

I called him up recently cuz he was going through some stuff and tried to be there for him in his time of need, and what do I get in return? Him rubbing his relationship with his gf in my face. I mean seriously, what kind of a person DOES THAT? I went out with my friends last night for dinner, and a while later he enters the restaurant with his friend. They're seated at their table, and then he starts texting my friend. Since WHEN does he text my friend when we're at the same place?! It's our thing.. y3ni whenever we used to run into each other, coincidence or not, it's ME that he would text and say all those silly things that would make me laugh. 7ata when he started texting, my friend looked at me and said "Tara he's texting me, oo a7is those texts are meant to be for you 7ada, y3ni mn mita uhwa e6arish li msgat bs chethi? Oo lama echoofny b3ad? Mb intay ili dayman kan esaweelha chethi?" Even she was surprised! It's not something that he would do y3ni, they're not that close. He wouldn't just randomly send her a message 7ag esolif, well at least never used to. Since when does he care about her opinion in anything? She's not even interested in what he has to say! And HE knows this! It's not that they're not friends aw shay, cuz they are, bs kiliiish mb close y3ni. What's he trying to do? Replace me? Seriously? I don't get it, I really don't get it. How would he feel if all of a sudden I decided that I want to start talking to a friend of his (a friend who wanted to get to know me a while back but I said NO for him cuz I knew that he wouldn't like it) and do the things that him and I used to do with each other? I know it would hurt him, so why is he trying to hurt me? 

*stab*

*stab*

*stab*

You know what though? Screw it.

From this day forth, I'm packing up my feelings, storing them in bags and boxes and throwing them fel deep end of the ocean. Galby 3awarny kfaya, bs 5ala9, now I'm indifferent. I'm turning into the same person that he's turned into, one with a heart made out of stone. One thing that I've come to realise, ina itha il wa7ed yabee a7ad fi 7ayata, mafi shay fel dinya bewagfa, so what does that tell you?

I might've misinterpreted everything he said and everything he did.

Or have I?

All I know, is that he, my so called best friend, needs a reality check. Why? Well I think that he should figure that one out all on his own.

You know what's funny? Everyone seems to think that I'm in denial. That I have feelings for the guy, that I'm probably in love with him. I'm not, but even if I were in denial, then I sure as hell am not the only one. He's more of a denial freak than I am. 

Coward.

Anyways, I'll conclude my last post the same way I did with my first one. I'll wish him all the love, joy and happiness in the world. Allah ewafga inshalla.

As for me, I'm through with this. 

I'm through with him. 

Cuz after all, I'm not the one who lost, he did. 

He lost me. 

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I'll miss you all, I will. This has been an interesting experience to me. I never thought that I could write il 9ara7a, and I still think that I can't, bs your love and support helped me so much. 

I might change my mind and stay, I might go private, and I might not.

Bs for now, all I coud say is goodbye. You're all such amazing, wonderful and talented writers, so keep on doing what you do best. WRITE! 

;**

What I've learned..

In the past couple of years, I've learned a lot of things. 

I've learned that nothing and no one will ever get you through the hardships in your life, but God. I've always been the kind of person who can't really let go and move on so easily, but rather hold on to things. Strangely enough though, when I went through the worst period of my life a few years back, I managed to get through it in a very insignificant amount of time. How, you ask me? Cuz when I decided that I wanted to get out of it once and for all, I got down on my knees and prayed to God for help. I wanted to get over it with all my heart. And one day, my prayers were answered. One day, I stopped crying. One day, I woke up with a reason to live. One day, I woke up to find him in my life. And it was God, who answered my prayers.. and got me through it. 

I've learned that no matter how hard you try to analyze things, coming up with numerous explanations, whether logical or not, the one explanation that hadn't crossed your mind, is the one explanation that's most likely to be true. 

I've learned that to be able to get through life, you should treat people the same way they treat you. If they're good to you and treat you right, be good to them and treat them right. While on the contrary, if they make you feel bad about yourself, the sooner you cut them out of your life, the better. Saves you the heartache they'd eventually cause. 

I've learned that instead of dwelling over the past and regretting the mistakes you've made, you should learn from them. Redeem yourself, for mistakes are the tools that shape us and turn us into the people we are today. 

I've learned that some things are not always what they seem. I've also learned that some things, are exactly.. what they seem.

I've learned what it's like to be surrounded with true friends. 

Some that I've known my whole life and have only gotten close to in the past couple of years:

Layan, with her beautiful soul, her pure white heart and her unique kindness. She's the kind of person you can always, and I mean ALWAYS count on. The kind of person who would always be there for you, the kind of person who trusts and believes everyone, not cuz she’s stupid, or cuz she's naive, but because she chooses to see the good side in everyone around her. Because she chooses to give people the benefit of the doubt. She’s the kind of person that loves and gives unconditionally, without expecting anything in return; the kind of person who would do anything in her power to make the people around her happy, cuz that’s all that matters to her. That's all that makes her happy. 

Jana (a.k.a. Islander), whom I've become close to mostly in the past 4 or 5 months. We've been friends for a very long time and have always been part of the same group, but never really gotten as close as we have in the past few months. Her ability to constantly nag never fails to amaze me, how one person could 7in this much, I'll never understand. And unfortunately I picked it up as soon as she left to continue her studies abroad, but that's not all she's about. I've discovered that beneath the surface, lies a person who's been hurting silently cuz of something that happened to her not so long ago, something that broke her, but she still managed to rise up and glue the pieces back together, though I know that she'll never be the person she was before it happened. I've discovered someone so forgiving, that I can honestly say she's one of the few people I've ever known who manages to forgive and actually forget. Someone who's strong enough to withstand whatever life throws at her, and smile. 

Marwa, who's famous for her ditching, but still, a person who would leave everything and be there with you in the blink of an eye in your time of need. I'm grateful for everything she's ever done for me, for being there for me and for sticking by my side when I needed her the most. For trying to understand me, even though no one really does. For staying up all night trying to cheer me up and make me laugh by making fun of Layan (sorry Layan bs you already know this y3ni) or by planning things and creating different scenarios and visualizing what could possibly happen in each one of them. I'm grateful for the fact the she trusted me with her deepest, darkest secrets. I'm grateful for her support, for pulling me out of the dark cage I tend to lock myself in whenever I break down, and for helping me get back up on my feet again.

Fara7, the logical one. The closest person to actually figuring me out. I've been friends with her for over 9 years now and we've been through so many ups and downs together. Our friendship has been tested more than once, but it still managed to survive it all. She's my stable ground, the one person who can pull me back to reality and manage to keep me sane; the one person who never runs out of advices to give, or words to say. She's a realist, and I love her for that. 

Some that I've only gotten to know better recently:

Dalal (a.k.a Change), my dark and gloomy friend, who listens to all my random te7el6em about everything, who was there for me in some of my worst times, who never judged the damaged person that I am and tolerated me at times when I couldn't tolerate myself. 

And some that I've gotten to know throughout my college years:

Him, with his charming personality. He "quoting Islander" managed to pull me out of the gutter with his warm smile and back into the human world. He gave me back some of the hope that I'd lost, proving to me that there are still some decent guys left out there. He cared about me endlessly, and so did I. He respected me, trusted me and most of all; he made me feel good about myself by seeing the best in me. And although today, we each go our separate paths, I'll always cherish every moment that I spent with him, every memory we shared, all the laughs and all the smiles that will forever be imprinted in my heart.

Throughout my life, I've encountered different types of people, the good and the bad, but in the past couple of years, most of the ones that I've gotten to know are the ones who have had the biggest impact on my life. They're the ones I pray to God that I'll be surrounded with in the future. In my best days and in my worst days. The ones that are truly worth holding on to.

In the past couple of years, I've learned a lot of things. 

In the future, I hope that I’ll learn even more. 

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This post is dedicated to my friends. I'm not sure if they'll ever read it, but I woke up today feeling a tremendous amount of love towards everyone around me, which lately, has been very rare to me. So I decided to share the love while it lasts, knowing that tomorrow it's all gonna pass and I'll be back to normal. (I joke!)

Haha, my fellow bloggers, amooot 3alaikum ;**

Guess who's back?

Haha YES PEOPLE! THE STRIKE IS OVER! and trust me, I couldn't have asked for better readers. Walla walla your support means the world to me, every single comment that I read(well maybe except for one) managed to make my day and draw a smile on my face, if not crack me up with laughter. Tfihmoon shgad a7ibkum? La ma'6in tfihmoon, bs ana ABEEEKUM tfihmoon iny amoot 3alaikum! 

Islander: Inty 5al ayeech il mokan ili inty fi.. Oo trust me hnak ba3aber lech shgad a7ibich! *wink wink* 5eftay? Ee? Well get over it.. HAHA mo a7san mn Layan tyee tsaweelich chethi? 9adgeeny ana barnamaj akthar.. HAHAHAHA.. Your best friend is alive, don't worry, and she loves you more than you can imagine ;*

Lilo: I LOVE YOU! You're the cutest thing ever! Ili I want to put you in one of those music boxes and whenever I'd open it you'd be there singing, talking and saying "babchi" (hahahahaha it cracks me up 7ada cute walla)  and perhaps giving me a sneak peek of what's gonna happen next in your beautiful story http://differentleagues.blogspot.com (7ada weird my imagination you say? I know, sorry! ;$) LOL 7adich you crack me up lana! Thank you SO MUCH for your support ;****

M: Getlech ba3aber lech 3an 7uby fi post! Aka, see! I kept my promise! Bs inty you already know shgad a7ibich, lanich 7uby il awal wel a5eer ya a7la M fel dnya! A'6in you're like my soulmate aw shay mn il ashya ili we have in commen.. Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Hahahahahaha.. I'm still waiting for you to come to Bahrain so we can start our search btw, so yalla! Get your ass over here ASAP! We need to discuss 5ayalatna il wild shway b3ad ;$.. Thank you for everything my love ;*

Change: Zaga! Bs b3ad a7ibich! LAISH YOU ENDED THE STORY LAAISH? Ok ok sorry I'll calm down. Thank you thank you thank you for everything, for mentioning me in your blog, for ziffing me, for being nice after ziffing me, basically for everything. Galby intay, my dark and gloomy friend ;*

Dandoon: Tara I'm still not over the hair pulling! Lai7een rasy e3awerny! And no apologies won't do kz it too laaaaaaate to apologizze, it's tooo laaaaaaaaaaate.. LOL! You're gonna have to make it up to me tara! *A light bulb shines on top of her head* I KNOW I KNOW! GIVE ME 7AMOOD AND WE'LL CALL IT EVEN! Wala shrayech? La? Mo kaifich.. 5al9ay exams oo bnitfaham 3adel b3dain.. Good luck my darling ;* I LOVE YOU! 

Lost b2amreeka: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA e9eer agolich shgad ur comments ETHIB7OON MN IL '6E7EK? Whenever I read one of your comments a7is roo7y eb ramadan and I'm watching a kuwaiti mosalsal "HAW :o" HAHAHAHAHA barnamaj! and you can spam my blog all you want sweetie 7alalech walla.. Yetsharaf blogy a9lan ;*

The Great Tigerlilly: 7abeeebi! Thank you walla! Walla you don't understand how flattered I am that you love my writing *blush* 9ij your comment 5alany asti7y! I'm speechless! ;*

Cupid: I turned off the word verification for you! Hahahaha 7ayaaatiii! I love you more! Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaankkk youuu wallaaaa! Tyanineeen! ;*

Starlight<3: NO! DON'T KILL YOURSELF! PLZ?! You die I die! Wala ehimich I'm back oo I'll post and everything! And I knooooooooooooow! You always give feedback ever since you discovered my blog! 3ajeeeebaaaa walla! A7ibiiich!

Fiona Person, Faten, Haya and nora (HAHA you guys didn't curse me don't worry! 7adkum cute!), The Extravagate, A*MODE, *Bella, Jam3iiya(L), heba, G L A S S H E A R T and all the anonymous readers: THANK YOU! THANK YOU ALLLLLLLL WALLA! Each and every comment was and is highly appreciated walla.. a7ibkum KILEKUM ;*

To mean Anonymous: I had a reply prepared for you, but then Change and Islander came along and they both saved me all the trouble. I think they explained everything that I would've said and exactly how I feel. Bs I'll say this again, I did NOT force you or anyone to comment, it's not like I have a gun pointed at your head or something. So please, if you have something mean to say, keep it to yourself. Thank you very much. 

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I'll be posting soon inshalla, I'm not gonna make any promises, but hopefully within the next week or so.. Inshalla! ;*

Hmmmm..

So here's the deal.. I've been doing some thinking and since I haven't been in the best mood lately, I decided to follow Lilo's steps (I heart you wayed btw) and not post until I get more feedback 3ala my writing.. Uhwa Lilo didn't exactly stop posting, bs she was contimplating it.. As for me, 5ala9.. no more posts! Well not until you shower me with all your lovely comments and feedback.. Mostly cuz they make my smile, but also cuz I honestly think that my writing is too boring oo a9lan ma3arf aktib.. So, care to prove me wrong? 

Anyone? 

Hello? 

Yes?

No?

Maybe?

Pweez? 

*Gives you the "Puss in boots" heartbreaking look*

Did it work? Huh? Did it? Did it did it did it?

Either ways.. A7ibkum =( 7ata lo mat7iboony.. 

P.S: I just decided to stop commenting b3ad lana someone "e7m e7m- wa7da a7ibha wayed" thinks that my comments are too long oo wayed a3aber 3an shu3oory and I should stop. So 5ala9. No more comments! Bs tara hay mo ma3nata ina ma gerait your posts aw ma 3jebony, bel3ax, bs it just means that I'll disappear completely! Goodbye 7abaybi! =(