Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Goodbye..

I'm sorry everyone, but I'm done with this..

I'm done blogging.

I'm done trying to find a way to let out my bottled up feelings.

I'm done FEELING, period.

I'm done caring about people.

I'm done doing things just for the sake of everyone around me.

I'm done waiting.

I'm done hoping.

I'm done dreaming.

I'm done pretending.

I'm done. 

Completely done. 

I'm sorry. So very sorry. I love you all, but this time I'm not doing this to get more comments and what not, I'm doing this cuz I'm tired. My heart's been stabbed a million times, but miraculously, it still fought, every single time, no matter how deep the knife has wounded it, it still managed keep beating. However, with every stab, my heart kept losing so much blood, and alongside all the blood that's been shed, a little bit of the warmth was drained out of it, every single time. 

My heart- just like any living organism- can only take so much. When it was stabbed for the millionth time, it decided that it was time to give out, to cave in and surrender to the ultimatum; death. It bled itself dry, till it turned to stone. 

What was the cause of this?

Iny te3abt mn kilshay, o te3abt mn kilmn. Te3abt a7awel afham il nas oo ma7ad e7awel yefhamny. Te3abt a7awel a7il mishakil il awadem oo ma7ad e7awel e7il misakly. I'm sick of listening to people complain about every damn thing in their life, but whenever I try to complain, they end up changing the subject. Te3abt. Walla il 3a'6eem te3abt.

This time though, I'm not taking a break. This time, I'm through with everything. I can't write anything else. I can't think. I can't do shit. I'm filled with rage; the rage that my heart intoxicated my body and soul with while taking its last few breaths. 

There's a huge possibility that I close my blog. I might leave it bs chethi, or I might close it. I'm still weighing both options. If I do, I might comment as anonymous from time to time, but then again, I might not. I'm still not sure what I should do. I'm not sure about anything. I'm not even sure if I should do this a9lan, bs like I said, right now I can't think properly, so let's just hope that I don't end up doing something I might regret later on. 

Bs for now, I have nothing more to write about. Khala9, I've decided that the "me" & "him" story.. is over. So very over. He's history to me now. Mithel ma uhwa ga6 kilshay ba7ar, ana b3ad agu6 kilshay fel OCEAN mo bs fel ba7ar. I cared about him more than I could put into words, and I would've done anything for him. Anything to see him happy; anything to prove to him that I'll always be there for him, that I'll never leave and that I'll never take him for granted, but one thing that I would never give up for anyone, is my pride and dignity. I still stand by everything I mentioned in my previous posts though. I still think that the memories we shared were beyond wonderful, but at the end of the day, they're just memories. He chose to back off, he chose to put everything behind him, just like a coward, and leave me hanging. And I did hold on, I did hang on to every word, to every gesture; I did hang on to him. He on the other hand, didn't.

I called him up recently cuz he was going through some stuff and tried to be there for him in his time of need, and what do I get in return? Him rubbing his relationship with his gf in my face. I mean seriously, what kind of a person DOES THAT? I went out with my friends last night for dinner, and a while later he enters the restaurant with his friend. They're seated at their table, and then he starts texting my friend. Since WHEN does he text my friend when we're at the same place?! It's our thing.. y3ni whenever we used to run into each other, coincidence or not, it's ME that he would text and say all those silly things that would make me laugh. 7ata when he started texting, my friend looked at me and said "Tara he's texting me, oo a7is those texts are meant to be for you 7ada, y3ni mn mita uhwa e6arish li msgat bs chethi? Oo lama echoofny b3ad? Mb intay ili dayman kan esaweelha chethi?" Even she was surprised! It's not something that he would do y3ni, they're not that close. He wouldn't just randomly send her a message 7ag esolif, well at least never used to. Since when does he care about her opinion in anything? She's not even interested in what he has to say! And HE knows this! It's not that they're not friends aw shay, cuz they are, bs kiliiish mb close y3ni. What's he trying to do? Replace me? Seriously? I don't get it, I really don't get it. How would he feel if all of a sudden I decided that I want to start talking to a friend of his (a friend who wanted to get to know me a while back but I said NO for him cuz I knew that he wouldn't like it) and do the things that him and I used to do with each other? I know it would hurt him, so why is he trying to hurt me? 

*stab*

*stab*

*stab*

You know what though? Screw it.

From this day forth, I'm packing up my feelings, storing them in bags and boxes and throwing them fel deep end of the ocean. Galby 3awarny kfaya, bs 5ala9, now I'm indifferent. I'm turning into the same person that he's turned into, one with a heart made out of stone. One thing that I've come to realise, ina itha il wa7ed yabee a7ad fi 7ayata, mafi shay fel dinya bewagfa, so what does that tell you?

I might've misinterpreted everything he said and everything he did.

Or have I?

All I know, is that he, my so called best friend, needs a reality check. Why? Well I think that he should figure that one out all on his own.

You know what's funny? Everyone seems to think that I'm in denial. That I have feelings for the guy, that I'm probably in love with him. I'm not, but even if I were in denial, then I sure as hell am not the only one. He's more of a denial freak than I am. 

Coward.

Anyways, I'll conclude my last post the same way I did with my first one. I'll wish him all the love, joy and happiness in the world. Allah ewafga inshalla.

As for me, I'm through with this. 

I'm through with him. 

Cuz after all, I'm not the one who lost, he did. 

He lost me
-------------------------

I'll miss you all, I will. This has been an interesting experience to me. I never thought that I could write il 9ara7a, and I still think that I can't, bs your love and support helped me so much. 

I might change my mind and stay, I might go private, and I might not.

Bs for now, all I coud say is goodbye. You're all such amazing, wonderful and talented writers, so keep on doing what you do best. WRITE! 

;**


20 comments:

A*MODE said...

im packing the biggest DHL box filled with hugs from Dubai

its definitely his lose.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>HUGZZZZZZ<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


Hope you feel better ;**

you'll be extremely missed.. LUV YOU !

Cupid ;* said...

I swear every single word that you wrote throbbed my heart

I agree, it is his lost and I'm not saying anything out of pity or any other thing my only feeling is admiration, I admire your strong will and personality I swear, if only everyone were as strong as you are;*

you're talented and no one could deny that, I'm not telling you to continue writing but please don't close your blog even if you're not planning on posting anything, after all why should you be the one with the sacrifices and suffer? You should live your life, it's one of two

either you

* Turn your life into a miserable life and continue regretting the past and live on memories

* Your completely over the past and are willing to start a whole new life with none of the past which is hard to do

But once you choose ur decision u have to stick to it and trust me once you make up ur mind on what you want it'll be much easier

I love you;* and hold on, it's not easy but you're stronger than that;*

M said...

la la la la laaaaaa

The only thing you're doing is giving up.. close the blog if you want but it won't help.. bel3aks fe nas here that don't know you who are willing to help, willing to be there for you, willing to atleast listen to you if that's what you're asking for.. I know I am.. and I'm sure fe wayed '3airy want to be there for you, the question is will you let them?

He lost you, you're right it's not your loss it's his, that's why you shouldn't be the one in pain, look around you, you have friends who love you and hate seeing you depressed, don't give up please please don't..

I told you gabel that i don't want you to go through what i did, I shut ppl out and I only punished myself, I became someone I don't know, please don't do this to yourself..

plus I've been worried la2ana you're not commenting.. I knew something was up! don't go away, I need you in my life :$

I love you wayed wayed :**

Cuteandcuddly said...

No dont go :(
please walla will miss you :(
you dont have to write but dont close the blog !!!!!!!!
you may regret it later :(
i hope you find your happy ending and wish you a good life .
I wish you find what you are looking for !!!!!!!
good luck in your life
and there are other fish in the sea !!!!!!!!
life short so live everyday like its you last !!!!
and if you are going to let what people say effect your life you will never live it.
so good luck and good bye
xoxoxoxox
love you

Hala said...

tara i'm crying now.. wallah.. 7adee za3lana..
you can't just give up..
please..
heeeeeeeeeeeeeey..
we are a package..
you are my taller twin..
I care about you..
I love you..
you know that..!!!!!
if you give up i'll give up..
3a6eetach chance etzifeeny the last time i wanted to just give up..
don't go MIA on me..
at least talk to me..
please..

Anonymous said...

7abeebti, i have been reading your blog for awhile now, and i really really really think this is a good time for me to tell you the impact you writing has had on me. your story=my story. literally, word for word, all of your posts have been about exactly what i have gone through for the past few months--literally word for word (change the cities, and we are living in parallel universes). just knowing that im not the only girl in the world who has been thrown into uncharted waters with a guy who suddenly left me hanging one day, that has been a HUGE support for me in helping me understand how to keep my dignity. you writing is beautiful, and so are you! i hope you stick around :)

Lilo said...

You can definitely write hun, w anyone that suggests otherwise has to answer to me -.- Mashalla, everything you've written has been so personal and beyond incredible:*

You said it yourself, it's HIS loss, I don't see why you're the one who has to let go of everything and lose all hope and faith and whatnot when he was the idiot who was stupid enough to let you go.

I really hope you'll change your mind ba3ad, keeping your blog open might prove itself to be very therapeutic and even though you seem hell bent on bottling everything up, we all need an outlet sometimes so you might need this. We're all willing to read everything you have to say, every little complaint and there will be no misunderstanding/changing of the subject on our parts.

I love you wayid and I hope you reconsider it, if not, I hope you get the peace of mind you need and good luck with everything :( *hug* You'll be missed :*

Anonymous said...

:(

*squeezes the living hell out of gutter flower*

7abeebi enti! you're right, it's HIS loss! he has no idea what he lost, you're truly amazing wallahi! and he's not worth a single tear from you.

I just wish you think about this before closing your blog, bottling things up won't do you any good! take it from me, I've bottled things up for so long that in the end things just exploded and went out of control.

I know I don't really know you, but I'm here for you if you need absolutely anything :)

Please don't leave us, we love you.

Hala said...

eza3il

M said...

Wayed wayed mza3elny halmaw'6oo3 :(

Wafa J said...

It sucks that I won't be able to read your posts anymore, I hope you change your mind about blogging.

I'm glad you've decided to let go of him, you deserve more than that, if he didn't bother enough to hold on for you, it's definitely his loss.

I think blogging is something you shouldn't stop though, you don't need to talk about him anymore but rather how you feel and I think you should end the story so it's out of your head for good :)

xoxo

Hala said...

you are my twin..!!

M said...

for you..

http://diary-of-m.blogspot.com/2009/04/tomorrow.html

:(

Pearla said...

Okay i just want you to know that I seriously just got home from the airport o 3ala 6ol checked my dashboard when i saw a Goodbye post mnk , i clicked on it o started reading .. i've a speech to tell you bs baba is calling me "lunch time" , and i'm very hungry !
bs i'll be back to post SO wait for me ;*
I love you so very muuch *hugs gutter*, and if u decide to leave i'm gona seriously miss you so so much !
elzbdaa i'll post later on today ;* Mwauh .. A7bk ..
P.S: and it is his Lost ma ystahlk wala ystahel wala dm3a mnk ..

N. - kk said...

I have to be completely honest here. No room for lies, I've followed your blog a few weeks ago. And I never, ever opened it to read anything, honest to God. And the irony of the situation is, this is the first time I've ever opened it to read. I usually start with the very first post, just like everyone else. But the title of this last post grabbed my attention, so I went ahead and started reading it. I have two things to say, the first, which is extremely cliche, but nontheless, so true. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, his harsh actions and vicious words towards you should only help you grow to become a stonger and more independant woman, i5theeha minee ;) Having rage is not a bad thing, people don't look down on you, bil 3ags, they'll have complete and utter respect for a person who has fought and fought every battle, even his battles ;) You're right he's a coward, for two main reasons, he has allowed you to enter his world and become a part of it with absolutely no boundaries, which is mostly a good thing, but what you didn't realise is that one day he'll push you right out of it as if you were just a redundant. This word is very brutal in so many senses. He was so disrespectful towards you, and you gave him the benefit of the doubt. He's a coward, bas il 3aib il akbar ina you let him STAB you, I don't blame you, when you love a friend to the extents that you've gone to, there's no such thing as boundaries and red lines. You love him. That's not wrong, but he took advantage of that love and caring, and twisted it into something that wasnt very valuable to him. By the way, texting your friend while you guys were all in the same place was only a way to test your reactions towards what he's doing. It was just like a little game for him to amuse himself, I really and truley hope you didnt react obviously. That way, he would've won the game. You're better, smarter, and bigger than that. Love is defenitely not a game for you, believe you me. The second thing is, trust me sweetie, closing the blog won't change anything, it won't make it better ot worsen the entire situation. Writing is very thrapuetic, you benefit so much from it, whats the harm in continueing? It's a very important way to lick your wounds, you feel better instantly after clicking "New Post" and write your heart out, you would know ;) Look at the number of people who read your blog, how they look up to you and admire your courage and conviction. I honestly have so much respect for you, just by reading this last post. It shows so much and reveals your charecter, you my friend, are not weak, but a very strong woman. Don't stop doing what you love to do. I hope my comment, just like all the others above me, help you make the right decision.

Maya Angelou - Still I Rise

N. -Kk

Anonymous said...

Reading what you are going through made me cry because I know how that feels. All I can say is always look at the brighter side of things. Yeah some people are assholes, but there are many amazing people out there you haven't met, people that will change your life. The boy trouble is normal! Fuck if he doesn't appreciate you, why should you waste any of your time. Games are for children. Trust me if God wrote it, it will happen. So let everything unravel naturally. Learn to just let things go, especially with people because the reality is they will never be what you want them or expect them to. Shit I feel like an episode of Dawson's Creek. What I'm trying to say is, as cliched as it sounds, be positive be patient and be thankful. Life comes around once man have fun, enjoy it. Cut the people who hurt you out, the people who do not appreciate you for who you are because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Sorry enough with the cliches shit. Anyway please stay with us we love your writing aannd.. yeah.. bs I guess? Oh yeah and when I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom Let it beeee let it bee.. Listen to that song man it'll help. The whole album actually! I'm sorry for rambling but I just want to tell you what I would have wanted someone to tell me back then. Hope it helps.

M said...

I'm unofficially on a break.. maybe I'll be back when you're back, maybe before.. I honestly don't know..

I'm just tired..

love you and I miss u more :*

Pearla said...

sorry for being late ;*
First I think you were having one of these days , those days that you start remembering some stuff and ashya2 makboota like you did something nice to someone and they never even tried to thank you and when they needed more help they asked with no please or thank you , and when u ask for something simple they go like sorry can't !! so b3dha u go all crazy ino akeed la2 !!
Why do I have to care if they don't care !!! I think you just have a huge heart and your too nice , I'm guessing being too nice these days is not a good thing at all , it will ruin YOU !!!

So you were having one of those days , the i hate my life day !! why is this happening to me ? where did I go wrong ?
you didn't Go wrong, people are just sometimes stupid o m3fnen, and ma ygdro ! I always say ino elDenya 3ajeba really its so weird ma tfhmen kef nas yfkro ,,
elzbda,, don't care about anyone, just care about ra7at balik and the ones who deserve your kindness and careness !


And for "him", can i say he's an ass , 3ade ? He's an ass !
why is he acting this way ? all mean ? something is obviously in his head .. y3ne something b9ra7a is not clear..
You were okay with him when he was down , u called him and checked up on him .. and he rubbed his relationship with his gf in my face ??
seriously ! I'm not getting him ..
and then at the restaurant he msgs your friend and not you , and I’m sure 3arf that your friend r7 tgolk :s ..
seriously, something is so not clear .. he's trying to annoy you perhaps ? or make you jealous maybe ? .. did you tell anyone that your interested in a guy and maybe this someone told him ? I mean itha kan insaan 6abee3y m3 msha3er he won't do that ela for a reason , and I don't know what’s that reason !!! THINK GUTTER ,, ish bo hada ??? y3ne everything in life happens for a reason, he's doing what he's doing for a reason , and you know him , would he do such thing without a reason ?!
and you know maybe he's doing this cause he wants you to hate him, and let him go ? bs he’s a coward to tell you ..
bs personally 7rkato 6al3a mn wa7ed maghoor, kaabt shay fgalbaah I duno ! maybe I’m rambling here , I’m sorry bs g3da a7wel a7leel leh kda sawa ! what he did is mean and everything .. but I still thing fi shay nag9 something is not clear to me LOL

I love you gutter ;* and here for you ;* MWAUH

oisehydfolahdkl said...

omg ;\

the commenters above covered anything and everything i would have said to you...

Allah y3eenich

awal ma i started reading this post 3abaly u were talking about an ex 3ad, anyway, i really really hope u don't close your blog le2anna ma frigat ma3ah, w mithel ma galaw above me, your blog can be the place u talk to people, etha your friends mo fal7een they listen to your problems and try to help you out then we will be here, it's a place when you can let it all out, and everybody needs that place, whether they admit it or not.

Inshalla you decide to keep blogging hun

Gutter Flower said...

U guys! i love you ALL walla! u can imagine how much all ur comments mean to me walla!! abi arid 3alaikum wa7ed wa7ed.. and i will..

ive made my decision and hopefully im staying.. inshalla ill start blogging again.. bs i really dont know when..

thank u all for everything.. a7ibkum WAYED WAYED wallaa ;***