"I love you.."

"Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

I heard this line while watching something on tv a couple of days ago, and it kept playing in my head throughout the whole day. You see, I'm not so big on I love yous, I hardly say it. I might say it here all the time cuz afterall, let's face it, you guys don't know me and I don't know you either, which makes it a whole lot easier to just say it, but in reality, whenever I try to say those three little words, I end up choking on them. And I don't really mean saying it to him only, but also to my friends and even my family. It's just.. hard.

But then I started thinking. What if you really never get the chance to tell the people you really feel about them? I mean we keep hearing this all the time, that we should take the time to tell the people we love how much we love them cuz tomorrow might be too late. I think it's true. No one knows what tomorrow has in store for us. Even the healthiest people could be gone in a heartbeat, simply because it was their day. 

Two family members - whom I adore - passed away during the past five months. It was unbelievably hard, but what really killed me the most is that I don't think I ever really told them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Now I know that they knew that I did. They felt it. But wouldn't you want to hear it? Some people say that words don't mean that much, it's the actions that prove how the person really feels. It's true. Actions really do prove to you how the person actually feels, but that doesn't mean the words don't account for something, either. We all need to feel loved, and to hear our loved ones say it. We all need reassurance. So why not say it while we still have the chance?

*runs out of her room and looks for her mom*

I just stopped amid writing this post, went up to my mom, told her how much I love her and hugged her. She looked at me disbelievingly and said "Sh9ayer? T5ar3eeny itha tsaween chethi. Ya tabeen shay ya 9ayer shay, shisalfa?" I laughed and told her that there's nothing wrong, I mean, can't a daughter tell her own mother how much she loves her without wanting something in return? Afterall, we might all be gone tomorrow. Of course, she freaked out even more and said "Laish hal 7achi kila? Ga3da t5ar3eeny. A7ad galech iny bamoot bacher? Laish tfawleen 3alay!" I laughed some more, hugged her even tighter and prayed ina Allah e5aleeha ly. Layan, you better do the same thing to your mom today!

Fara7, Layan, Jana and Marwa, a7ibkum. 9ij 9ij I love you all and I can honestly say that I can't imagine my life without each and every one of you. You're all so special to me. It's true that half of the time you guys get on my nerves, maybe even more than half the time, but I still love you. I realised after writing the "What I've Learned" post that I didn't really say that I love you. So here you go, ya 5amma, a7ibkum. 

Fara7, yal dalee3a, I can honestly say that you are more than a sister to me, I know that I hardly show it, bs you already know that I can't live without you (this is me trying to make up for the previous post btw). The reason I didn't write much about you a5er mara is that, eb 9ara7a, how can you sum up 9 years of such strong friendship in one single post? You already know how much you mean to me, oo adry iny I never say it, frankly cuz I find it gay and disgusting, bs aka I'll say it now. I love you, Tweety. 

Layan, ya galby intay, fi shay buga ma sawaiteely? I've said it millions of times before, you have the purest heart out of all of us, and I'm so proud of the person you've become. Not that I wasn't proud before, but how you managed to glue yourself back together, makes me proud. I pray you find the right person who would be worth hal 6eeba kileha, lana eb 9ara7a, till now, ma cheft a7ad yestahlich. You're too good and pure, and seriously deserve all the happiness in the world. I love you my baby. 

Jana, 7abeeeeeeeeeeeeeebi ili 3ndehum exams oo ma3ndehum enough time to scratch their heads. Akthar wa7da tfare'3 roo7ha for me. Do I really need to tell you how much I love you when I already do all the time since we're contenents away? I'll still say it though, I love you. 

Marwa (a.k.a Cristina), did the episode have any sort of effect on you? Did it change your mind about saying it? SAY IT, DAMMIT, SAY IT!! Fine I'll calm down. Bs bagolich ina 3ala buroodich ili enarfezny, a7ibich.Wayed b3ad. El mshkila magdar ma7ibich? Y3ni I'll always be grateful for everything you've done, and you have done a lot. I can imagine us right now having a completely awkward mer-cris moment trying to decide whether we should hug or not. *throws up* I think we should skip the hug. Btw, last year hal 7aza, shkina ga3deen nsawy? *sniff*

My Frankie (a.k.a Him) this is adressed to you, brother. Ga3ed te'67ak? Tara may'6a7ek, brother. First of all, you idiot, I'm still waiting. Second of all, you ass (btw, to all my beloved readers, I'm the only person in the world who gets to call him that, after all, he's my ass. Wait, that sounded so wrong, well you know what I mean. Thank you, a7ibkum) lat9adeg 3mrik wayed. In the post that I ended with "I need you. I miss you. I love you." knt a5arbe6. Maybe I was just too sad cuz it was the day that one of the two family members I was talking about earlier had passed away, which led to me writing that meaningless post. Or maybe I did love you at that time, brother, but after my last post "Goodbye.." I stopped. So now it's more like, I used to need you, I used to miss you, I used to love you. Not anymore though. Just like John Legend sang:

Baby when I used to love you, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
I went through the fire for you, did anything you asked me to
But I'm tired of living this lie
It's getting harder to justify
Realized that I just don't love you
Not like I used to

Alright fine, I'll quit the act and stop the charade. Yes I do love you, how could I not? (again, PLZ lat9adeg 3umrik cuz this has nothing to do with how charming you are, a9lan you're not. Chub.) During the time that I've known you, we've shared so much together. And I'm not just talking about the phone calls that lasted for hours or the endless text messages or the 6al3at or the classes that we took together or even the fact that we travelled together and spent almost every minute of that trip with each other that 90% of my memories of that safra is a memory shared with you. No, I'm not just talking about that. I'm talking about things that are much deeper than all of this. I'm talking about certain moments. I'm talking about all the things that have been said between the lines. I'm talking about the small tiny details, the details the I know that now only I have noticed, but you as well. So yes, I do love you, brother. 

You know what the good thing about us is? I believe that it's always been mutual between us, everything we've both ever felt, was mutual. I don't think I loved you or cared about you more than you loved me or cared about me, and vise versa. It's funny how I get so mad whenever you confidently say how you're so sure that I love you, but now that I think about it, I'm just the same. I proved that a5er mara, didn't I, brother?

Remember when you told me how you keep asking yourself whether you did the right thing, or ended up losing someone special? Well, I think it's the second one. Despite everything, putting all the feelings, the mistakes and everything aside, we were great friends who shared a very special bond. Not everyone has that, some may never experience it, but we have. You, being the idiot person that you are, took what we had for granted and threw it away. So yeah, you did lose. You did lose the person who gets you the most out of everyone you know (I told you min qa9dy eb everyone fa chub and stop trying to come up with names); the person who took care of you, who made sure you were tucked in perfectly under the covers while you were asleep and would lift ur stupid feet off the floor after falling (ma2sa rgadik btw) and tuck them again under the blanket; the person who would laugh at all your stupid jokes, whether funny or not; the person you can tell anything and everything to, and I literally mean anything, and would always be interested in hearing you out. That's one of the reasons ili I got shway mad about the "texting my friend at the restaurant" incident. Oh, btw, J added me on facebook AGAIN a couple of months ago. You know what's funny? His brother added me on facebook as well 3 weeks ago. So something that we would joke about. Now that I think about it, shakla I'll accept just to let you taste your own medicine.

Btw, last year, hal 7aza, kina tawna ga3deen getting ready to leave the hotel cuz it was our GRADUATION day! So yeah, happy one year "graduation" anniversary. It was such a good day, don't you think? Especially when our stupid friend decided to ruin my mood fel diner by saying whatever it is that he said. 9ij '3aby hal ensan. For some reason I just remembered wagfeta ili yel3ab fi sha3ra oo rafe3 reela? Fun times. Anyways, t9adeg that was the day I realised that I'm like your "sister"? Remember how you tried to make me feel better, when we left the "after-grad" and went back up to talk about things? 7ata b3dain Marwa oo "il 3a9aby" came in and asked me if I wanted to join them lana kanaw be6el3oon oo you didn't let me cuz we were still talking, and you knew I was still upset and that's why I wanted to leave with them. Anyways, while we were sitting next to each other on your bed discussing things, the way you looked at me proved to me that I'm just like your "sister". Fi amal your trying to remember? Hmm.. 

One more thing. When we were discussing the "nervousness" issue a5er mara and you said that you were 3adi 7azat-ha, and I told you I was 3adi too, you know why we were both so 3adi? Cuz it felt right. You knew it felt right. It was always this way between us, easy and comfortable. Instead of our hearts beating so fast, they were on a break and had decided to live the moment, and smile. I know your heart was smiling, just like mine was. 9a7? 9a7. 

Thing is, now you know exactly how I feel, thanks to my stupid blog, and I probably know exactly how you feel too, I mean, we've established that, 9a7, brother? But I need more than just answers. I need to hear it. I need to know. I don't want to do the all talking, lana I believe I've said enough, that day AND fel posts. Now it's your turn. That's why I'm still waiting for that "thing" you promised. Idiot. 

You, ya7mar, have changed my life. I'll say it now cuz I don't think I can ever say it again. I love you, "brother". 

Layan and Marwa, today is the day you place your tissue boxes infront of you, look at the pictures and cry. Today, last year, was one of the best days ever. Remember how we were arguing about who would use the shower first? And of course, thanks to my deep slumber (Not) I ended up using the shower before you two. 7adi 3ajeeba. Our graduation was fun, wasn't it? And the aftergrad! Omg! The songs they played. I'm laughing my ass of at the moment. 

Okay I think I'm about to cry cuz right now I'm looking at the pictures. Hey, taboon nityama3 ilyom and reminisce about the good ol' days? 

**On a completely different note**

I'm deleting my old posts. As I said before I might keep blogging and I might not, but after giving it much thought, I realized that some things are better left unsaid. Some, or maybe all the things I've written were completely private, that not even my closest friends knew about. I'd rather keep everything else to myself, cuz frankly, there are things that should stay between you and the other person involved. I've never been one to share, especially not about her private life, so I decided to keep everything else to myself. Afterall, he's as much a part of this as I am, so me posting about us is not really fair to him. 

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Bloggers, A7IBKUM!!